I'm not the best at convincing and reasoning when it comes to wanting things. There's a lot of repeating involved. "But I really want a dog."
My mom and I were talking in the car tonight. I told her that I understood that she did not want me to have a dog, but that I didn't understand why she didn't. The why really shocked me. Actually, it really hurt me.
I don't deserve a dog. I'm not working full time, you see. I work 16-20 hours per week, right now, and it's really as much as I can handle before I start to shut down or whatever. I'd love to work more and make more money, obviously. Wouldn't anyone? But I can't. If I did, I'd start missing days, skipping appointments, canceling things at the last minute... no good. I'd start to fall apart. I'm pushing myself just to the edge of what I can handle without really screwing things up, as it stands now. Four hour shifts, four times a week. Obviously, living at home.
As long as I don't work full time and/or live in this house, my mom says that I don't deserve a dog. If I can't "get it together" enough to live like most adults do, then I can do what most adults do, things like having dogs. If I want my own dog like an adult, I have to live like an adult. If I can't work full time, then I absolutely have to get on SSI so that I can afford prescriptions, etc. I really, really don't spend extraneously, but my mom says that even if I do have extra money, it most certainly cannot be spent on any pets. That if I have to ask the government for money, I can't go using the money to have a pet, of all unnecessary things.
Call me heartless, but I could more easily live a humanless life than I could one without animals. Saying that I might face a petless future is... horrible. She did say that once I'm on my own, I can spend my money however I want, and that her approval won't matter. Still, I've never done anything without my mom's approval. She's even okay with my tattoo (any guesses as to where it is or what it says?)! I mean it when I say that I don't think I could live a day-to-day life without pets. And don't say "go visit someone else's..." because that's kind of like aw, I'm sorry you can't have kids... why don't you babysit someone else's kid? It's just not even close. For someone like me who is so very close to animals, saying that I don't deserve a dog because autism is limiting me is like saying that I don't deserve friends, or something else so basic. Animals and friends are almost equally important in my life. Guess which comes first?
Every time I think she's starting to get it, here we go again.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Woof?
I. Really. Really. Really. Want. A. Dog.
I don't know how to emphasize that so that it conveys the truth about how much I want a dog. Does everyone know how much dogs can help with therapy, especially for people with autism? Check out places like 4 Paws for Ability (http://www.4pawsforability.org/autismdogs.html), which train service dogs specifically for kiddos with autism.
I've thought about going the service dog route, but I think I can get what I need with a very well-behaved dog that I've brought up myself. I would train him very well and make sure he knew how to behave around kids, cats, other dogs, in crowded situations, in public, you name it. Even teaching and training dogs is a lot of fun for me. I could do that all day.
There is almost nothing better than cuddling with a good-sized dog down on the floor. I need a dog that I can really be physical with and play with. Leigh, who has grown up with German Shepherds her whole life, thinks that a small female German Shepherd would be perfect, since they're super smart dogs.
I'm trying with my entire being to be patient about this, but what if I just can't be? I try to tolerate people, but I love animals. I need a dog.
I don't know how to emphasize that so that it conveys the truth about how much I want a dog. Does everyone know how much dogs can help with therapy, especially for people with autism? Check out places like 4 Paws for Ability (http://www.4pawsforability.org/autismdogs.html), which train service dogs specifically for kiddos with autism.
I've thought about going the service dog route, but I think I can get what I need with a very well-behaved dog that I've brought up myself. I would train him very well and make sure he knew how to behave around kids, cats, other dogs, in crowded situations, in public, you name it. Even teaching and training dogs is a lot of fun for me. I could do that all day.
There is almost nothing better than cuddling with a good-sized dog down on the floor. I need a dog that I can really be physical with and play with. Leigh, who has grown up with German Shepherds her whole life, thinks that a small female German Shepherd would be perfect, since they're super smart dogs.
I'm trying with my entire being to be patient about this, but what if I just can't be? I try to tolerate people, but I love animals. I need a dog.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Losing my words
Not infrequently, I lose my words. Not sure where they go off to... if I knew, maybe I could convince them to come back. At the moment, if my life or yours depended on me speaking... well, let's just be glad that's not the case.
Yes, I can still type, but it's much slower and harder. The grammar and the structure confuses me, and suddenly the pronouns are a lot less important. I tend to leave out the "I" in most of my sentences. In case you're wondering, I'm going back and putting it back in, for your reading ease, tonight.
Tonight, this isn't at all a problem. I can sit, read my book (Temple Grandin's Animals in Translation... more on that later), try to pay attention to TV, whatever. Sometimes, I lose my words when it's a little more important, like at a restaurant when I need to order food or at work or in class when I'm expected to speak. Somehow, I've always gotten around it. A lot of times, that involves simply making sure that I'm not with people when I can't talk to them. Oddly enough, I don't mind being out with my mom, or something, if I'm not talking, but I'm embarrassed to be around my peers when it happens. That's when I avoid everyone until I can get it together again.
It's happened as far back as I can remember. Earlier, I asked Amy (my older sister's childhood best friend who has known me since "before I knew me," since I was months old) if I did it as a young child... shut down, stopped talking for periods of time. She said that I did, but that at the time I seemed tired or cranky, but that looking back, kids don't normally do that. Anyway, good to know that it's something I've always done... somehow, I take comfort in that.
Anyway, that's enough blogging for the moment, but I'll leave you with this snippet of a conversation Leigh and I had that still makes me laugh. Background: I was in Disney, and my sister had just arrived. Within about 5 minutes, she and my mom were talking about things that I had no idea what was going on. I went into my room at the resort and called Leigh because I knew I'd cheer up. This was the end of the conversation.
Me: Hi to Joe! (Joe is Leigh's cat)
Leigh: Okay, but I don't speak cat like you do. I'll try.
Me: Okay. Yeah, try. Try to speak cat.
Leigh: You... go back and try to speak people.
Yes, I can still type, but it's much slower and harder. The grammar and the structure confuses me, and suddenly the pronouns are a lot less important. I tend to leave out the "I" in most of my sentences. In case you're wondering, I'm going back and putting it back in, for your reading ease, tonight.
Tonight, this isn't at all a problem. I can sit, read my book (Temple Grandin's Animals in Translation... more on that later), try to pay attention to TV, whatever. Sometimes, I lose my words when it's a little more important, like at a restaurant when I need to order food or at work or in class when I'm expected to speak. Somehow, I've always gotten around it. A lot of times, that involves simply making sure that I'm not with people when I can't talk to them. Oddly enough, I don't mind being out with my mom, or something, if I'm not talking, but I'm embarrassed to be around my peers when it happens. That's when I avoid everyone until I can get it together again.
It's happened as far back as I can remember. Earlier, I asked Amy (my older sister's childhood best friend who has known me since "before I knew me," since I was months old) if I did it as a young child... shut down, stopped talking for periods of time. She said that I did, but that at the time I seemed tired or cranky, but that looking back, kids don't normally do that. Anyway, good to know that it's something I've always done... somehow, I take comfort in that.
Anyway, that's enough blogging for the moment, but I'll leave you with this snippet of a conversation Leigh and I had that still makes me laugh. Background: I was in Disney, and my sister had just arrived. Within about 5 minutes, she and my mom were talking about things that I had no idea what was going on. I went into my room at the resort and called Leigh because I knew I'd cheer up. This was the end of the conversation.
Me: Hi to Joe! (Joe is Leigh's cat)
Leigh: Okay, but I don't speak cat like you do. I'll try.
Me: Okay. Yeah, try. Try to speak cat.
Leigh: You... go back and try to speak people.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Tigger's Disney update
Tigger's been pestering me to get some pictures of the trip on here, so I thought I'd finally give in and do that. Let's see...
Here he is on the plane, looking a bit concerned. It was really crowded and noisy on there, although he really liked how puffy the clouds look from up high!
Mine! Mine! Mine! Tigger loves these guys! They hang out in Epcot.
He says, "Pooh, you idiot, I'M RIGHT HERE!" P.S., my new shirt!
Tigers zonked out in Animal Kingdom... hot sun.
Tigger, closely resembling his cousins in Animal Kingdom and his human friends at the end of the first day touring Magic Kingdom. We were all whooped.
Hi, ducks! There are lots of ducks at Disney. I say, "Hi, ducks!" every time. They quack. A lot. I laugh. They quack again.
Tigger and I both love how great an ice cold Diet Coke tastes after a few hours in this Florida sun!
Mom and I got this bag for Dee, who is taking care of my kitty while we're in Disney. The bag is made in Morocco, and we got it in the Moroccan part at Epcot. Isn't it pretty? Tigger was checking it out.
In Germany, at Epcot, there is a whole little town with a little train that runs through. Here's part of the little town.
Tigger got this sombrero at Epcot, in Mexico. He thinks it's pretty snazzy. Hehe.
Tigger has a baby sister! This is Seal. See, I've been looking for a little stuffed cat that looks like my real cat for ten years. Yes. Ten years. Every single time I've seen a stuffed animal shop of any sort, I've gone in and searched for a cat that looks remotely like my kitty. Finally, today, in China at Epcot, I found this adorable little kitty. This is by far the closest kitty I've seen to Elsie in stuffed animal form in the past ten years. So, I made an $8 investment. I'm thrilled.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Slowing down and looking up
We've found a great solution to a lot of the stress... slowing down!
Take today, for example. We got up a little later (8:30?), got ready a little slower, went to Hollywood Studios around 10, did just three rides, then had lunch were we'd made reservations. I got a little pixie dust, and they gave me free chocolate gelato for dessert... sooo good! Then, having done the big things we wanted to do at that park, we headed back to the resort for a big break. Around 5pm, we went to Epcot. We did a ride, had dinner, did two more rides, then realized that my sister had left my mom's wallet sitting somewhere and had to track that down. I wore earplugs for most of Epcot, which was a good thing because fireworks caught me totally off guard! We were far away though, and everyone had crowded near them, so it was really empty and my ears were plugged, leaving me pretty comfortable. It made for about six or so hours in the parks without moving very fast, but it was so much calmer!
We've had our share of Disney magic, too! Last night, we went to get a Diet Coke (I'm a full-blown addict), and I had to pay with a card because my mom, who was off watching a noisy parade, had my sister's money. The guy just let us take it. Then, today, the gelato. Of course, my GAC sure seems like a huge dose of magic, when I'm about to melt down and getting on a ride lets me avoid that! The feeling of rides is actually very, very calming. I love it. Unfortunately, I want to ride the same ride six times in a row, and no one else wants to do that. Why not?!
So, we are getting a system, and things are calming down. Even in the midst of my meltdowns, I was having a great time! I absolutely LOVE Disney, it's just a tough environment autism-wise, I guess, especially with people who aren't the most understanding. Tomorrow, we're going to sleep in and then hang out around the resort... there is a huge lazy river around this place somewhere that we want to check out.
Have I mentioned that I miss my kitty? Do I need to?
Take today, for example. We got up a little later (8:30?), got ready a little slower, went to Hollywood Studios around 10, did just three rides, then had lunch were we'd made reservations. I got a little pixie dust, and they gave me free chocolate gelato for dessert... sooo good! Then, having done the big things we wanted to do at that park, we headed back to the resort for a big break. Around 5pm, we went to Epcot. We did a ride, had dinner, did two more rides, then realized that my sister had left my mom's wallet sitting somewhere and had to track that down. I wore earplugs for most of Epcot, which was a good thing because fireworks caught me totally off guard! We were far away though, and everyone had crowded near them, so it was really empty and my ears were plugged, leaving me pretty comfortable. It made for about six or so hours in the parks without moving very fast, but it was so much calmer!
We've had our share of Disney magic, too! Last night, we went to get a Diet Coke (I'm a full-blown addict), and I had to pay with a card because my mom, who was off watching a noisy parade, had my sister's money. The guy just let us take it. Then, today, the gelato. Of course, my GAC sure seems like a huge dose of magic, when I'm about to melt down and getting on a ride lets me avoid that! The feeling of rides is actually very, very calming. I love it. Unfortunately, I want to ride the same ride six times in a row, and no one else wants to do that. Why not?!
So, we are getting a system, and things are calming down. Even in the midst of my meltdowns, I was having a great time! I absolutely LOVE Disney, it's just a tough environment autism-wise, I guess, especially with people who aren't the most understanding. Tomorrow, we're going to sleep in and then hang out around the resort... there is a huge lazy river around this place somewhere that we want to check out.
Have I mentioned that I miss my kitty? Do I need to?
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Days 3, Meltdowns 5
I guess it looks bad when the number of meltdowns is greater than the number of days... but really, I'm having a great time!
We stayed out until dinnertime yesterday, crashed, then went out to eat later with my sister. My sister is being hardcore, "deal with it, grow up, no one likes the crowds, stop it." That's definitely complicating things at times. Today was good, because we did 3 hours of Animal Kingdom before I fell asleep laying my head down while my mom and my sister were doing stuff, came back and slept for 2 hours, then went back out to Magic Kingdom for the evening. We did Adventureland and Frontierland, basically. I ate gluten free pizza (yum!). We did have a major crowd issue with the parade again, and then even worse (I'm talking HUGE) with the fireworks. We got stuck in the fireworks, so I hid in a shop and tried to call Leigh. She didn't answer. My mom got me a chocolate-peanut butter rice krispie treat (gluten free!) which was actually pretty distracting. The ferry ride was really crowded too, though, so after a full 90 minutes of quite literally jam-packed people around me, I started to lose it and my mom told me to take Klonopin. At that point, it seemed like the end of the world to get it out of my bag, but one Klonopin (and a shower, a drink, and some personal space!) later, I'm doing okay.
It's so hard for anyone to get how I can be in the midst of everything I hate, like the noise level and the crowds, and love this place so much. But I really, really do! My meltdowns don't really bother me. I'm just so afraid that I'm going to ruin my family's vacation!
We stayed out until dinnertime yesterday, crashed, then went out to eat later with my sister. My sister is being hardcore, "deal with it, grow up, no one likes the crowds, stop it." That's definitely complicating things at times. Today was good, because we did 3 hours of Animal Kingdom before I fell asleep laying my head down while my mom and my sister were doing stuff, came back and slept for 2 hours, then went back out to Magic Kingdom for the evening. We did Adventureland and Frontierland, basically. I ate gluten free pizza (yum!). We did have a major crowd issue with the parade again, and then even worse (I'm talking HUGE) with the fireworks. We got stuck in the fireworks, so I hid in a shop and tried to call Leigh. She didn't answer. My mom got me a chocolate-peanut butter rice krispie treat (gluten free!) which was actually pretty distracting. The ferry ride was really crowded too, though, so after a full 90 minutes of quite literally jam-packed people around me, I started to lose it and my mom told me to take Klonopin. At that point, it seemed like the end of the world to get it out of my bag, but one Klonopin (and a shower, a drink, and some personal space!) later, I'm doing okay.
It's so hard for anyone to get how I can be in the midst of everything I hate, like the noise level and the crowds, and love this place so much. But I really, really do! My meltdowns don't really bother me. I'm just so afraid that I'm going to ruin my family's vacation!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
And then there were fireworks
I'm officially in the happiest, and quite possibly the busiest, place on earth.
First of all, I'll excuse today's kind of hellish undertone in that it was a travel day. Travel days are supposed to suck, right? I mean, okay... hold up. Rewind.
I love Disney World, and I'm in Disney World, so I AM happy. Very happy! But bad things happened. Is that okay? So, I am happy. Now here's what happened.
First, the traveling (walking through crowds of people, such as in airports, really stresses me out). Then, lots of waiting. I try so hard to be patient. I think I did pretty well with that. We got to Magic Kingdom (did I mention it POURED all day?). I got my Guest Assistance Card (more on that later). I was soooo excited to show my mom my very favorite place, and she was excited to see it! For all the times I've argued that I don't flap my hands, Leigh, I'm sorry-- I really do, don't I? Even my mom said, "Yes, I can see that you're excited, you're so flappy today." We rode a few (amazing!) rides, then we quite possibly the best dinner of my life. I'm not even kidding! Then, it started...
First, there was a parade that involved music being played over loudspeakers throughout the park and lots (and lots and lots and lots and lots) of moving lights. Well, I wanted to ride Space Mountain, and the parade was both bright and noisy, so please get me out of here. In order to get out of the way of the parade, though, we had to get through the throngs of people. It. Was. Torture. The crowd was absolutely jam-packed, probably 10 deep by 100 or so long, with a jam-packed crowd of two "lines" trying to pass each other behind it. No one was cooperating, so it was a lot of getting stuck. I was crying by then, trying to move through all those people. The only way through was out, though. We got out. I could breathe. Okay. Space Mountain.
Space Mountain was closed. Flexible. Flexible, flexible, flexible.
I can ride the Speedway (aka, go-karts) if I use my pass and don't have to stand in line with all the noise and completely freak out, right? If my mom drives, so I can hold my ears, right? I can do that. That would be fun.
Insert title of post here. You got it, people: and then, there were fireworks.
I lost it. I tried to put in my iPod, but it didn't block nearly enough noise. On go-karts, with fireworks? Oh my goodness. I was bawling, shaking, trying to hold my ears and bite my hands at the same time, while my mom was trying to help me and drive. It was awful. My mom loves fireworks, so she was also enjoying them. But, seriously, what a disaster.
At least, after that, I got a Mickey ice cream bar, which is only the best form of the best character of the best food in the whole entire world.
On another note... this Guest Assistance Card. This pass allows me to use an "alternate entrance" to the rides, so that I don't have to wait in noisy areas. Back in October, I got so run down by the waiting, that it was sometimes hard to enjoy the rides. Today, for example, I was pretty stressed out after parade issue... but because of my pass, I could stay in the park rather than have to go back to the room and give up for the day. Basically, it allows me to use up my crowd energy when I'm moving around in the parks throughout the day, rather than all at once on just a few rides. Still, what ends up happening, is that I'm being let on the "fast pass" entrances. Basically, at Disney, you can go to a ride and get a pass that tells you a specific time to come back, late rin the day. Then, you come back at that time (say, 4:15pm) and get almost right on the ride. Well, because of my GAC, I can hop right on almost any ride, any time. I feel very, very, very guilty about it. Someone said that it sounds perfectly fair, because otherwise, it wouldn't be anything like vacation for me... but somehow, I still feel bad not having to wait.
Anyway, tomorrow is Epcot. And, Lord willing, there will not be any fireworks!
First of all, I'll excuse today's kind of hellish undertone in that it was a travel day. Travel days are supposed to suck, right? I mean, okay... hold up. Rewind.
I love Disney World, and I'm in Disney World, so I AM happy. Very happy! But bad things happened. Is that okay? So, I am happy. Now here's what happened.
First, the traveling (walking through crowds of people, such as in airports, really stresses me out). Then, lots of waiting. I try so hard to be patient. I think I did pretty well with that. We got to Magic Kingdom (did I mention it POURED all day?). I got my Guest Assistance Card (more on that later). I was soooo excited to show my mom my very favorite place, and she was excited to see it! For all the times I've argued that I don't flap my hands, Leigh, I'm sorry-- I really do, don't I? Even my mom said, "Yes, I can see that you're excited, you're so flappy today." We rode a few (amazing!) rides, then we quite possibly the best dinner of my life. I'm not even kidding! Then, it started...
First, there was a parade that involved music being played over loudspeakers throughout the park and lots (and lots and lots and lots and lots) of moving lights. Well, I wanted to ride Space Mountain, and the parade was both bright and noisy, so please get me out of here. In order to get out of the way of the parade, though, we had to get through the throngs of people. It. Was. Torture. The crowd was absolutely jam-packed, probably 10 deep by 100 or so long, with a jam-packed crowd of two "lines" trying to pass each other behind it. No one was cooperating, so it was a lot of getting stuck. I was crying by then, trying to move through all those people. The only way through was out, though. We got out. I could breathe. Okay. Space Mountain.
Space Mountain was closed. Flexible. Flexible, flexible, flexible.
I can ride the Speedway (aka, go-karts) if I use my pass and don't have to stand in line with all the noise and completely freak out, right? If my mom drives, so I can hold my ears, right? I can do that. That would be fun.
Insert title of post here. You got it, people: and then, there were fireworks.
I lost it. I tried to put in my iPod, but it didn't block nearly enough noise. On go-karts, with fireworks? Oh my goodness. I was bawling, shaking, trying to hold my ears and bite my hands at the same time, while my mom was trying to help me and drive. It was awful. My mom loves fireworks, so she was also enjoying them. But, seriously, what a disaster.
At least, after that, I got a Mickey ice cream bar, which is only the best form of the best character of the best food in the whole entire world.
On another note... this Guest Assistance Card. This pass allows me to use an "alternate entrance" to the rides, so that I don't have to wait in noisy areas. Back in October, I got so run down by the waiting, that it was sometimes hard to enjoy the rides. Today, for example, I was pretty stressed out after parade issue... but because of my pass, I could stay in the park rather than have to go back to the room and give up for the day. Basically, it allows me to use up my crowd energy when I'm moving around in the parks throughout the day, rather than all at once on just a few rides. Still, what ends up happening, is that I'm being let on the "fast pass" entrances. Basically, at Disney, you can go to a ride and get a pass that tells you a specific time to come back, late rin the day. Then, you come back at that time (say, 4:15pm) and get almost right on the ride. Well, because of my GAC, I can hop right on almost any ride, any time. I feel very, very, very guilty about it. Someone said that it sounds perfectly fair, because otherwise, it wouldn't be anything like vacation for me... but somehow, I still feel bad not having to wait.
Anyway, tomorrow is Epcot. And, Lord willing, there will not be any fireworks!
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