Even puppy dog eyes have failed

I'm not the best at convincing and reasoning when it comes to wanting things. There's a lot of repeating involved. "But I really want a dog."

My mom and I were talking in the car tonight. I told her that I understood that she did not want me to have a dog, but that I didn't understand why she didn't. The why really shocked me. Actually, it really hurt me.

I don't deserve a dog. I'm not working full time, you see. I work 16-20 hours per week, right now, and it's really as much as I can handle before I start to shut down or whatever. I'd love to work more and make more money, obviously. Wouldn't anyone? But I can't. If I did, I'd start missing days, skipping appointments, canceling things at the last minute... no good. I'd start to fall apart. I'm pushing myself just to the edge of what I can handle without really screwing things up, as it stands now. Four hour shifts, four times a week. Obviously, living at home.

As long as I don't work full time and/or live in this house, my mom says that I don't deserve a dog. If I can't "get it together" enough to live like most adults do, then I can do what most adults do, things like having dogs. If I want my own dog like an adult, I have to live like an adult. If I can't work full time, then I absolutely have to get on SSI so that I can afford prescriptions, etc. I really, really don't spend extraneously, but my mom says that even if I do have extra money, it most certainly cannot be spent on any pets. That if I have to ask the government for money, I can't go using the money to have a pet, of all unnecessary things.

Call me heartless, but I could more easily live a humanless life than I could one without animals. Saying that I might face a petless future is... horrible. She did say that once I'm on my own, I can spend my money however I want, and that her approval won't matter. Still, I've never done anything without my mom's approval. She's even okay with my tattoo (any guesses as to where it is or what it says?)! I mean it when I say that I don't think I could live a day-to-day life without pets. And don't say "go visit someone else's..." because that's kind of like aw, I'm sorry you can't have kids... why don't you babysit someone else's kid? It's just not even close. For someone like me who is so very close to animals, saying that I don't deserve a dog because autism is limiting me is like saying that I don't deserve friends, or something else so basic. Animals and friends are almost equally important in my life. Guess which comes first?

Every time I think she's starting to get it, here we go again.