There is ever so much on my mind. A brain isn't a very big thing, you know, and it's awfully hard for it to carry all of this around. But, some things take precedence, so I will try to corral the "noise" in my head (for clarification, no, I do not think in words at all) and give you something cohesive.
I watched videos of myself at 36 months, at Christmas, last night. (Want to see them? I'm a cute kid. They are here). And I wonder what you see. I see flashes of ASD... to be specific, lots of totally ignoring people, spinning in circles for twenty minutes, no eye contact- though I did look at the camera twice and captured that, near-meltdowns and screaming, typical refusal to eat, and overall just extreme passivity such as my sister continually ripping things from my little paws and me just doing... nothing. So yes, it's there.
But you know... I'm not that kid anymore. I truly believe at this point that my life has been one ongoing regression. In oh, 2004?, I went on a plane to the JFK airport, found my luggage, found a cab, and went to my sister's apartment... ALONE. Now, my mom won't even let me take the bus to visit Sister lest I meltdown or, well, need to talk.
And that brings me to my next thought, which is that I still have no words. I've been told it's food allergies, or yeast, or a neurological problem... I have no idea. Honestly, I think it's just autism being autism.
But it's been extremely interesting to see how people treat a nonverbal person with ASD. Or more accurately, how they don't treat her. They ignore me. They get short with me. In reference to helping the lead pastor's wife with the kids at church last night, my mom told me, "You can't be useful if you don't talk." I feel like she was accusing me of being subhuman, somehow. So, let me say, and let you hear... nonverbal does not mean nonhuman!
And again, in case you missed it.
NONVERBAL DOES NOT MEAN NONHUMAN. I am not less than. I am not broken. I am perfectly, beautifully whole and complete.
Lest you wonder what happened with the kids, it was fine. Totally fine.
So as I was discussing some of this with Leigh via text and mentioned that I've been regressing for, well, forever... she said, but what about in terms of quality of life? Regression or progression?
No question. Progression.
If you want the real, honest-to-goodness truth, I am in no huge hurry for these words to come back. I am comfortable. Happy. As Michelle would say, I am Who I Really Am. As I would say, I am who God created me to be. I don't care how you say it, the idea remains.