Saturday, May 7, 2011

Defies expectation? You tell me

I don't know how to write this post. In fact, I'm downright scared to write it, knowing what may happen because of it. You might never want to hear from me again.

I can understand why they say what they do. They say, "Oh, no, you don't need a cure because you're so high functioning!" "You can't really have those kinds of meltdowns!" "You're so articulate and self-aware!"

And when I tell them, "No, I'm really not." "Yes, I really do." "Only when I'm sitting at my computer," they don't believe me.

I know you see the words and hear intelligence and assume the corresponding behavioral difficulties must be mild. Not really autistic, right? Super-high-functioning-Asperger's, maybe, right? And, truth be told, if you catch me on the right day and if I'm faking it hard enough, you might see that too.

But that's all lies, all fake, all pretend. It's limited. It ends. Then I come home (I'm super lucky if I'm home before I truly fall into the autism... I seem to be losing my ability to "fake it" for as long as I need to be out anymore), and reality hits.

Tonight, after coming home from a fairly slow-paced, relaxing day with lots of breaks, once again someone accused me (wrong word?) of being sooo high functioning.

And, people, I've had it. I turned on the webcam and went back to chatting with Chloe.

I hope, in posting this, that you'll learn a few things.
1. I don't lie.
2. You'll see that awesome gifts and challenges can coexist in one mind and body.
3. Watch your presumptions. You never know what's inside (in the case of "real life") or outside (in the case of the internet).

Surprised? I hope not, because this is what I've been telling you is there all along, right? For the record, even my therapist would be surprised by this, because I don't let her see it either... and yes, I sent her the video, because she needs to see it.


  1. I didnt tell you this earlier but its actually not that bad. I know ppl who arent even ASD who rock back and forth when thinking. I dont see anything very severe in that vid. This does NOT mean you don't have severe challenges at times, but there is certainly nothing wrong with the way you look there.

  2. I'm with Kate. I'm guessing though, that this is what you're comfortable sharing at this time. I don't think anything looked like autistic anxiety, it looked how anyone could look anxious and still nothing stuck out to me. This is how I can get sometimes(in the video)too and certainly I can have alot of pacing and hitting myself and moving around and humming.

  3. Yep, pretty standard autistic person. No surprises there, but then I've had autism immersion for the last ten years or so... Very brave of you to post it and I think it could help a lot of people. You look quite calm, level even to me.

  4. No anxiety there, actually. Very mild frustration at the internet being goofy, but the rest is just normal. I can kind of turn it off (Kate will speak to that, as I Skyped with her last night and don't think I showed many behaviors at all) for limited periods of time, though, so that's good for blending in.