AS. GAD. EDNOS. Panic disorder. Impulse constrol disorder-NOS. What am I missing? You get the idea.
But there's a new kid on the block. He's the one nobody likes. He's mean, he's manipulative, he's cruel, he kicks puppies.
To be honest, I've known in my heart for years that I had this diagnosis. As soon as I read about it, I was like... wow, that's me. Kind of like what happened with Asperger's. Now, there are a lot of symptoms of the disorder that I do not have, but there are also a lot that I do have. And I'm scared. 10% suicide rate? Little hope of recovery? Clinicians refuse to treat it? Oh, great.
Three conversations really helped me think this through, though. One was my mom. She said that while I may have this diagnosis, I'm far from beyond hope. I have a lot going for me, and especially because I'm aware that I have these traits (whereas most people with this disorder are not and refuse to believe it), I can work to counter them. The second conversation was with a girl from group, who said that she too has this diagnosis, and that if she could pick any diagnosis to have, it'd be this one. Why? Because it's behavioral and not chemical. You have little hope of changing the chemicals in your brain, but your behaviors are yours for the changing. Then, my dad said he's glad I got the diagnosis because it means I can learn about it and begin to do something about it, as opposed to letting it control me.
I'm honestly afraid to write this post and have you all suddenly walk out the door in sudden fear of me. I'm the same person I was before I had this label; in fact, I've had the disorder the whole time. And really, only the people who know me best are apt to notice the traits of it. Good and bad, that is...
If you ask me, this disorder is a killer combo with autism. It leads to social problems of its own, and then the autism means that I don't pick up on the social cues that people are turned off by me. It causes big, big messes, and I'm in one right now. It's so, so hard to apologize for things you didn't feel you did wrong, but then, I'm sure I did and just didn't know it, and I desperately want my friend back.
None of your readers or supporters are going anywhere. Everyone accepts you as is. I love that you're able to see the hope in this. It's so important to share your feelings with others so that you can get others' points of view. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteHey Lyds! Well done you for realising having yet another label doesn't change anything that wasn't there before. I always go by "call them sky blue pink if it makes you feel better and opens the right doors" for my girls.
ReplyDeleteStats can be made to say anything you want - you say 10% suicide rate, I say 90% don't.
One of the things I admire about you is you don't use your diagnoses as an excuse for behaviours, marely a reason - big difference - and that's why you have so many friends and why I'm sure the friend in question will be back in your life.