Friday, February 11, 2011


This is one of those "there's so much going on I don't know how to start, where to go, or when to stop" posts. And did I mention that I have a self-imposed 13 minutes time limit to write? Because then I need to do some things. You know, important things. Like get a shower (because I never did that today) and change my pump site and go to Mom's to go out to dinner. Things that need to be done.

I narrowly escaped a return to the hospital today. I'm not doing well. Though I'm sure most of you can read the details into this, I flat out refuse to expose the person by being specific. Things are currently very rocky with a very good friend. Maybe irreparably so. There was anger over things that I strongly believe that, while I can and will continue to try to improve them, they are part of my autism and not entirely within my control.

Add this to the fact that I caught my reflection in a mirror the other day without realizing it was me, and I truly saw one of the biggest people I've ever seen in real life, and... well... things got bad. I'm emotionally dysregulated, to use a DBT term, and I'm handling it poorly. I'm not sure that I could have stopped the spiral sooner, but the fact now is that I didn't, and here I am. The doctor at partial wanted me to return to the hospital, but we set up some outside supports (time with Mom, more time with Mom, calls from the crisis resolution network each day) and I think I can manage at home.

My therapist at partial did some really cool things in the midst of this, though. I admit my total misread of her "outside the box"- ness. She wants to read my book (being that I can't even afford my own copy right now, I sent her the manuscript) totally of her own accord and wants to do some emailing to let me process some things. Regarding the book, she wants to get an idea of where the AS diagnosis comes from from a behavioral standpoint, because she just doesn't quite see it, I guess. I think that may be for several reasons, including my rather superior ability to fake it when needed, my ability to hide what I'm really like, a result of my intelligence leading to improved superficial social skills (I kind of empirically collect data to determine some semblance of what is "normal," then simply copy, when I can). All this to say, at first glance, I have the ability to come across as an intelligence, neurotypical, albeit in some aspects immature, young woman.

And (this is the part I like) she says that diagnoses are for insurance and little more. She treats people with symptoms, not diagnoses. So the fact that I have many autistic traits is not so important as what those traits are. And, frankly, the autism isn't really my main issue right now... though, I would argue, it colors everything else. By the same token, my innate mental instability, colors the autistic symptoms, too. It's all wrapped up in each other.

Okay, not really done, but time is up. By the way, Elsie is sure trying to help my type today, so if you got any kitty-speak in the middle of my post that I missed, I apologize.

No comments:

Post a Comment