I've been home for almost a month. Things were really shaky there not too long ago but, at least today, I'm doing... okay. Dare I say well? Maybe I wouldn't go that far.
I get up every morning at 7 and get ready, then leave at 8 for the hour-long, 20-mile drive to partial. I'm there from 9-3, and then I make the same (but shorter in time, longer in miles) drive home.
At home, I clean, stop at the grocery store if I need anything (which is at least twice a week), exercise, make and eat dinner and sometimes a snack, play with the cat, sew, computer time, put things away, mess with my dolls, and I'm forever vacuuming because Elsie P makes a mess with her cat litter on my dark brown carpet.
Of course, today the roads were so bad that I didn't get to partial. My car was plowed in, and I sure don't have a shovel lying around my one-bedroom apartment. I tried to dig it out with my feet, and did get out of my spot, but the roads weren't plowed yet. I grumpily came back in and went right back to sleep. Woke up two hours later, and with the hour long commute, didn't think it was worth it to go in at that point just for the afternoon session.
One of the things we learn in DBT, one of the skills, is called effectiveness. Effectiveness, in this case, refers to "doing what works for you." I'm finding ways to use effectives all throughout my day... when I wear earplugs or headphones at church, the movies, while I vacuum; when I hang onto a squishy (Do tell me you know what a squishy is. I don't know how to explain them. Little squishy creatures that squish?) so that my hands don't pick; when I "go to the bathroom" in public places to get a little bit of my own space (as long as there aren't any jet-like handryers in there, it works pretty well).
So, I need to use some effectiveness to plan for the women's retreat I'll be attending in March. It's at a hotel about a half hour from home, and there will be worship music with a band, a speaker, and small group discussions. My hotel room will be with a good friend, just the two of us, so that will be very good to have "my" space as opposed to a 4-person room with strangers. I'll bring earplugs for the worship band and find a nook to disappear to somewhere nearby if the music is too loud. I'll bring my laptop for after things are over for the night to zone out with (my friend can go to the pool or do whatever she wants and I can chill silently in the room and give myself a break). I'll bring Tigger or somebody, just in case. I'll mean to bring the klonopin but will likely forget it, because I always do.
But just between you and me? I'm nervous as all get out about this retreat. It's been a long time since I've done something like this without my mom or Leigh present. Maybe even a long time as in forever.
Usually, when I stretch myself for something, it turns out well and I kick myself for worrying so much. Usually...