Sunday, October 31, 2010


Things I missed about home:

Mom (although I talked to her 3-5 times a day, everyday)
Going places
Books (I ran out while there)
Did I mention Elsie?
Comfy couches and chairs
Good food

Things I won't miss about respite:

It being assumed that I smoke/drink/do drugs
Hearing "SMOKE BREAK!!!!!" 8 times a day, starting at 6:30 AM
The train that was a hundred? two hundred? feet from my room and going over a crossing, so it tooted. Loudly. Three or more times every hour, including at night...
Thus, I won't miss sleeping in earplugs AND headphones.
One option for each meal, and if you don't like it you go hungry
Not being able to take my meds exactly on time
Nurses forgetting to give me meds
Being almost made to go to NA/AA meetings every night
The guy that refused to shower or wash his clothes for 6 days
Bathrooms that smell so bad I gagged every time I went in

Anyway, I could go on. It was determined that my problem was never really depression, but rather OCD. Basically, I had obsessive, intrusive thoughts. With depression, people typically want to act on suicidal thoughts. With OCD, the thoughts overwhelm the person, and they might be compulsed to act but they don't actually want to. I was put on a low (about half the usual) dose of lithium, which is used for severe bipolar, schizoaffective, etc. I could tell the difference after about 6 hours of taking the first dose. Now, I only get scary thoughts about 3 times a day, and it's much easier to "change the channel" in my brain. I had a really good doctor!

I did quit my job, however, and will have to go back on cash assistance (which is only $205/month) until I either get SSI or go back to work. I'm not in a hurry. I'd rather be poor that that overwhelmed again.

I'm staying at Mom's until the time arrives such that I can get staff at my apartment. Not sure when this will be, but, whatever. I'm fine in the meantime.

During the day I have to find ways to stay busy.

Elsie is super happy that I'm home. I hope Mom is too. Don't really care if Bob's happy or not... well, okay, I do care a little.

Sorry for the vagueness of what I'm about to disclose, but: I've been prayerfully considering doing some sort of advocacy for a long time, and an opportunity has sort of fallen into my lap, but it requires nomination, application, interview, etc. I have no idea if I'm what they're looking for, but it would be pretty cool. If you could send up some prayers that maybe something would come of that, if that's what God wants, then that would be awesome. I'll let you know more about it if I hear anything.


  1. Home ahead of time! YAY!! Good to hear you and Elsie P are reunited :D

    Sending happy thoughts always

  2. welcome home! glad you're feeling better!!

  3. I also would rather be poor than overwhelmed.

    Will send prayers that you are selected as an advocate. Especially PRAYERFULLY!

    I wouldn't miss the "smoke break" and the taking away of medication responsibility/accountability.

    Very lucky that the Lithium and you bonded so quickly (in a chemical sense).

    Did you go as some kind of "sponsor"? The first Step is about "admitting powerlessness" (over obsessive thoughts, say).

  4. I didn't go to AA or NA. I convinced them to let me be and color like I wanted to! And yes, happy about the lithium. Good drug.

  5. Colouring is fun and therapeutic.

    And it's great they respected your choice in that field.

  6. Lydia, I am so glad you are home. Sorry, I haven't got to post before now - crazy busy :-(

    Yayy for a GOOD Dr. I'm so glad that they sorted out the problem and found a good solution.

    I am sending up prayers as requested :-) You are always on my list ;-)

    Many good wishes,
    Mrs. E

  7. Prayers and good wishes coming your way Lydia, always.

  8. glad you're home, lydia! i'm thankful you are feeling better and the med is helping. praying for you!

  9. Thinking of you and hoping for good things ahead!