I hate to admit this, but I carry around a quite a bit of guilt. All the time.
I know it's not really necessary, because I can't help the way I am, but the thing is that I know I'm more difficult than the average girl. I know I require more from those who love me. That I take more patience. That I'm flat out harder to love.
Once I asked Mom if she wouldn't rather have a second regular girl than me, and she said some to the effect of, "NO WAY!" She wants me, and no one else.
But there's something I desperately want to hear from those closest to me. I know that by putting this out there, they might now tell me exactly what I want to hear. But because I told them I want to hear it, it sort of takes away the meaning, doesn't it? Oh, well. I've thought about it, and I'm just going to put it put there anyway.
I want to hear, "You're worth it." Yes, you're more difficult at times, but you're also kinder, more genuine, and more innocent, more something. Maybe it's not true. Or maybe it's supposed to be obvious and I should already know it. The thing is, I don't know. But I do wish.
Off the subject, but could someone please teach my cat not to knock puzzle pieces under the puzzle with her tail? Constant battle.
Lydia, you are worth it. And you are absoutely wonderful - in my opinion you are all those things that you want to hear.
ReplyDeleteFrom my perspective as a mom, I don't even consider the things that may be considered "more difficult" by parents of typical kids. I wouldn't trade my girl for anything - I will love her forever and always. I am guessing that your Mom feels the same way.
Hugs and blessings,
I have no doubt you are more than worth it! I would not trade my children for anything; I love them and delight in them, and I cannot imagine that you are harder to love, not at all.
ReplyDeleteMrs. E, I wouldn't trade your girl for anything either! She is the best!
ReplyDeleteEven when Bear is trying to remove me from the door way by my hair, or drags me from my bed by the ankle at 3am I still love her beyond life itself and would not trade her in for anything. that's not to say I wouldn't like life to be easier for her...of course I would and I will fight for that 'til my last breath but to not have her, warts and all, just doesn't bare thinking about.
ReplyDeleteand btw, I do think of you as one of my friends who I can ask for help and get a real answer, not what you think I want to hear, and not just the pretty bits.
I may not know you IRL but you are an inspiration for me Lydia. You ARE worth it. You make your Mom's life richer just by being you. I KNOW she feels that way because that's how every mama feels for her girl. I'd walk through fire and back for my Piper and I wouldn't question it for a second! I hope you feel loved and "worth it" every day.
ReplyDeleteNo doubt it is sometimes more challenging, but we moms love our kids with autism not "despite" how they are, but BECAUSE of all they are.
ReplyDeleteWe are better people because of having kids like you.
Worth it isn't even a question.