Do you hear me?

Sometimes melt downs are sensory based. Sometimes they're because something is done the Wrong Way instead of the Right Way. Sometimes they're seemingly random.

And then there are the worst kind. These are the kind that build up all day over half a dozen little things. My favorite doctor is leaving the practice to a place I can't follow her. I had 3 appointments and work all in one day. The therapist said it was fine if I used TTS but then essentially didn't let me. I didn't feel heard by the psychiatrist because she said I was doing well and I feel like I'm falling apart. Three cats were put down today at work, and we found out yesterday.

I got home and melted, big time. I even cried and melted somewhat at work when one of the to-be-euthanized cats didn't want to eat but rather wanted me to pet and cuddle him. I went and held my favorite cats and made it through work, but got home and lost it. Picked a fight with Leigh (which I always do when I melt; I get upset about irrational things or things that don't matter). Woke Mom up to stay with me. Didn't want the kitty for a time.

Normally, I lose my words just before, during, and then after a melt down until I can sleep it off. But today, I woke up, and they were still gone. It's fine to talk to Mom, although I'm definitely using fewer words than usual, but the chiropractor, library, and research study were all off-limits. No one wanted to let me type, either, which frustrated me immensely. At the study, Mom called to tell them I couldn't talk today, then they wouldn't let me type, but they continued to ask me questions expecting me to answer. I did my best, but I'm all stressed and upset having spoken when I didn't want to. It's not fair to make a girl talk.

I can't help but feeling like this is a bit of a turning point in my speaking. I've never liked it, and over the past year and a half I've been doing it extremely reluctantly. I asked Mom, what if I just stop, and everyone has to deal? Yes, it would be hard for people, but you know, it might just have to be. I'm not going back to the hospital over stupid words, especially when I have another, perfectly acceptable, way to communicate. If people don't want to hear me in the way I can talk, then I have nothing to say.