Even when I can't speak, I still have so much to say.
There are the little words. I would like to walk to Dee's and see her dogs today. Are you coming home early from work? Hi, my name is Lydia and I am doing a walk through Autism Speaks; would your store like to sponsor me? I don't want green beans tonight. Little words, but they're still important. Where is my personality without those words, my wants, my likes, my dislikes? I need those words.
Then there are the big, exploding words. I hate autism for taking so much from me. Hate it. I'm extremely frustrated with my work situation. It's taking everything out of me, and I can't keep doing it. I was just in the hospital in June because my anxiety was so out of control; do you realize I feel nearly that bad again, just because of 8-hour work shifts? Why isn't anyone really listening to me? I'm desperately worried about my health insurance situation. Is this all because of autism? I repeat... right now, I hate autism.
There are words that I don't quite know how to get out. I feel... is this frustrated, again? I'm not positive, but it might be. Why am I frustrated? Well then, I'm certainly confused. I feel the scary, explosive feeling that I haven't felt in months. I don't know where it's coming from. I don't know how to stop it. I don't even know how to get it out.
The words won't come out with my voice. I can get some out... okay, I'm fine, ready?, stop it! But that's not enough. You wonder why I don't tell you when things are wrong... well, where are the words? Give me the words, and I'll tell you! For nine days now, I haven't had the words I've so badly needed. When will they come back? I need them. I'm afraid my anxiety will get too bad if I don't find them again. Aside from a couple of short Facebook conversations with Leigh, I haven't interacted with anyone since last weekend. I know that I have autism; according to one doctor I saw, I'm not supposed to care that there are other people in the world. I do care, and I want to talk to them. I want to talk to them so that I don't feel so trapped, so unable to communicate. I may not be able to verbalize, but I still have so much to say.