Friday, September 25, 2009

Scattered thoughts

I don't really know what to write about. I can't focus enough to pick a topic and stick to it. Every time I start something, my mind skips around to something else. In general, I have a really hard time finishing what I start... at worst, it's hard to even finish a thought. This could be considered at worst.
Leigh suggested writing about how upset I get when my schedule is changed. Last year, we had plans to spend a weekend at her house, five hours away from school. When we had to reschedule for the next weekend instead, I shut down and didn't want to go at all. That's how I cope with schedule change. I just don't go to whatever it is. That can cause problems when "it" is work or class or something else that I'm expected to attend.
I considered writing about friendships and autism. Growing up, I had one "best friend" from down the street who I always played with, and that was it. When she started to make other friends in middle school, and I didn't, I just spent more time by myself. Then in 9th grade, when she realized that she basically had to choose between all of the "other" friends and me, because I wasn't "cool enough" to hang out with all of those girls (not to mention, didn't want to hang out with them), she ditched me. I didn't even play with other kids until I was in 2nd grade... I completely ignored them. Big surprise, eh? My one friend and I played very specific things... when she tried to get me to play Barbies, she'd always tell me, "You're doing it wrong!" Friendships have always been hard for me. At this point, I don't have any friends in my city. My closest friends are at the college I graduated from last year, an hour away. That's why I don't write about "oh I went here with so-and-so..." I don't go here with so-and-so. I stay home, with my mom. I have a couple of very, very close friends, who I know won't be scared away by the difficulties that autism presents. I'm so grateful for them. Still, it can be hard work for me not to run and hide from them when it gets to be too much.

I thought about writing about "sharing enjoyment." There are a couple symptoms of autism that I don't have, and that's one of them. Please, please laugh with me. I have a really hard time doing the whole pretending to be excited for someone thing. Example: my sister is shopping for her wedding dress. I love my sister, but I don't care about dresses. Yes, they're pretty. I will look at it and say "that's pretty," but that's probably it. However, I desperately want other people to feel excited about the things that I'm excited about, like the autism walk. Like cats. Especially cats.

Then, I thought I could write about the baseball game on Sunday. My mom and I found a local autism group that goes on social outings once a month, so on Sunday, we're going to the baseball game in the city. I'm excited, but I'm nervous, too. The few men with Asperger's in my social skills group weren't very much like me... what if I'm nothing like these people? I want to meet people who are like me. It would be a good feeling.

Anyway, there you have my scattered thoughts. I'm sorry they're not more together. I'll leave you with a picture. I went to visit my aunt and uncle's cats. They have 5. One of them, Murphy, is an orange Maine Coon, and he's massive. I'm talking a very, very big cat. He's beautiful, and incredible, and so much cat to love!


  1. Wow. Murphy is a lot of big beautiful cat, isn't he?

    You have a lot of self awareness Lydia. I hope you have fun at the ball game, and I hope you find a friend who will share your enthusiasm for cats!

  2. That is one big beautiful cat!

    Good luck at the ball game - and also good luck with your sister's wedding preparations and on the day. My girls have yet to experience a wedding as they have so far been either too far away (they couldn't do travelling, strange place AND people) or they've had too much going on, too much waiting around for them to deal with. I'm hoping they'll make the next one as it's local and planned to be informal and short - plus Jen (the bride) realy REALLY wants them to be brides maids, which I'm just thrilled about! We'll see how it all goes for the girls nearer the time....

  3. Michelle, I naturally don't have hardly any self awareness. It comes from a lot of talking to friends and family, a lot of counseling, a lot of asking questions. But on my own, I don't at all. Once my mom explained to me that I didn't and what that meant, though, I set out to figure it out... Leigh has been the biggest help with that. My self awareness has grown my leaps and bounds, and it's been a wonderful thing.

    Amanda, I've never been to a wedding yet either!

    Pictures don't do Murphy justice as there's no size comparison. He's twice the size of my dog, by weight. He's more than 20 lbs, plus a lot (a LOT) of hair. He's absolutely glorious!