I've kind of been going through a non-writing phase. I'm wondering if the lithium has sort of sapped me of my creativity. I have no desire to work on my book (never got past the interview stage of it) and minimal ideas for blog posts. Nothing is writing itself, they way it used to do. Instead, I strain to find words for thoughts that aren't there. It's immensely frustrating.
I figure I can keep you abreast of my meanderings, anyway. This weekend, I'm going to Emmaus House, from Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. It will be good to get out of here. Then, sometime next week, I'll move back to my apartment and bring Elsie. Dr. Sutton says that the Service Provider should have contacted us several weeks ago, so he's off to find out what the holdup is. In the meantime, I'll try to stay busy at my apartment.
Here's what I do in a week:
Monday- help at MOPS at the church, go to another church friend's for a piano lesson, then in the evening help Mom tutor a Korean woman in English
Tuesdays- horseback riding in the afternoon
Wednesdays- Bible study in the morning, the study for 3 1/2 hours in the afternoon
Thursdays- This week I babysat. I'm hoping I can do more of that in the future.
Fridays- Break day. Library, errands, doctor's appointments, etc.
Saturdays- Out and about with Mom during the day then church at 6.
Sundays- grocery shop, watch football, help Mom clean
So as you can see, I'm not at a shortage of things to do. Add to that lots of reading, some coloring, a good bit of puzzling, talking to Leigh on the phone and Chloe online, going to my dad's to see the kids, Christmas shopping, and I have a full week. I don't feel the need to do any more than I am currently doing.
I still haven't reached a final decision about the group home versus the apartment. By moving to the group home, I would give up so much of my freedom. I love every one of my activities, and I would hate to sit around or do unproductive things all day. I would have to give up riding, piano, babysitting, Bible studies, all of that fun stuff, and I'm not ready to do that. But at the same time, I might do much better when surrounded by other people. Granted, they may not be people who will provide intellectually stimulating conversation, as they will have moderate-to-severe mental retardation, but they will be people, and that is a good thing. I think the decision will come down to how many hours of assistance I get in the apartment, and that is yet to be determined. No sense worrying in the meantime, right?
Just to update, I did get cash assistance yesterday; praise God, because now I at least have some income! I am not yet ready to return to work at all, and I'm doing way too well not working to want to mess with that. It's too soon. Maybe with a job coach, maybe in the future. But not yet.
Yeah, I would bet it's the lithium. That's a pretty heavy duty med. I was taking lamictal for awhile that did help alot but, I had the similar problem. It was a nice reprieve for awhile and then after awhile I felt alot of the things that make me....me, as in things I should be sensitive to I still felt sensitive to but, didn't care to do anything about them like speaking up about things. I had less emotions and less ability to speak my thoughts so I suffered in silence about things that were crappy but, didn't feel too bad about it if that makes sense. I went off it and somehow I do believe it helped my body chemistry to a more appropriate balance because I have never felt as hopeless as I was sometimes before ever being on it but, I would say I went through a particularly roughest time in my life for the next couple years that would have previously probably caused a suicide attempt(I have never attempted or threatened nor have I been hospitalized) but, I think it's miraculous that the last couple yearsI never felt that hopeless. I will also say that I am HIGHLY emotional and the past couple years I have allowed others around me to see the extent of my emotions which has caused more concern to them of thinking I have more of a problem. I have had to give myself the permission to express the emotion as I need to even if others don't like it. I'm not talking about taking anger out on others, just being sad or angry. Dealing w/it w/the people as I need to and not letting it build up and crying out to God etc. I'm finally balancing out. I am/will always be super super sensitive to things around me(I do NOT think this is a bad thing)I consider it a gift. I'm intuned to things that don't make it on most people's radar screen. It is most frustrating in the church setting but, I also believe most necessary there.(Iron sharpens iron). Sorry I think this might be getting off topic but, it just stirred something for me. I think my point is, our emotions tell us something even the seemingly unreasonable ones. I think it's important to figure out what and to give ourselves permission to ride them and experience them w/out judgement on ourselves until we figure out what.
ReplyDeleteI'm on quite a low dose of lithium (300 mg once a day), so I'm definitely still emotional enough. But I'm not crying everyday or getting even remotely hypomanic. I don't get quite as excited about things, though I still do get excited. I think I'm at a good balance, I just don't like the lack of creativity!
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