Saturday, August 28, 2010

The aftermath

Forgive me for not going into detail, but you understand, I'm sure. It wouldn't be nice or kind or fair to do so. But I can be general, and you'll get the point.

Bad things happen when I melt down.

In this case, I'm referring to saying things I shouldn't have said to people I shouldn't have said them.

Right now, I get this. In fact, last night, right after the melt down was over, I got it. I prayed, I repented, I fell asleep in peace. But in the heat of the moment, I didn't get it, and now I'm stuck with the aftermath.

I hate that my autism has caused me, yet again, to hurt or anger the people who are most important to me. It's not fair. I completely lose control when I melt/panic, and I say and do stupid things. Leigh even reminded me last night as I was texting her, "Stop now before you say something you'll regret." What she didn't know was that it was too late.

I did everything right with that melt down. Chloe gave me verses of comfort in Isaiah. I prayed. I wrote. I held the kitty. I texted Leigh. And I prayed some more. And still, in between prayers, I managed to screw things up.

I'm starting to lose hope that I'll ever have full control over my words and actions when I melt. Even doing everything right, I made a huge mistake.

Now what? Now I honestly, humbly apologize. Now I promise to try harder next time. Now I hope and pray that the person I hurt can forgive me. I certainly don't deserve it, but I can hope.

And now, I remember this:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.


  1. Hey Lydia,

    We are always our own harshest critic. If your words were able to hurt someone then they must also be able to heal. I'm sure your apology will be recognized as sincere. Good Luck,


  2. I had some pretty epic meltdowns at your age. One my husband reminds me, they could hear me yelling through closed doors, and on the other side of the building! Not fun..not fun at all...

    Why am I telling you? I don't have those anymore. I still "lose it" on occasion, but relative to what I did 20 + years ago, they're tame. We have to just keep working on it, and all of that stuff. I know how you're feeling now, and I hope it all works out. You seem to be a truly kind and giving person. I'm sure the person you're referring to knows that.

    It does get better. Really.

  3. Well who doesn't just let rip every so often? It happens to us all and I'm certain the person that "got it" this time will be as eager to forgive you as you are to apologize. It might take a little time to get back to an even keel again but with the emotion and energy involved in a full scale melt down that's hardly surprising.

    Since her meds changed Bear has started having proper melt downs - I'm hoping for her sake it's a temporary glitch but if it's not I may just be emailing you for a few fact that would be great if you could email me. you know I love to be prepared and ahead of the game as I can be.

    Hope you're feeling better.

  4. Lydia,

    We all say and do things we regret. I know I have, plenty of times. You are a good person.