Forgive me for not going into detail, but you understand, I'm sure. It wouldn't be nice or kind or fair to do so. But I can be general, and you'll get the point.
Bad things happen when I melt down.
In this case, I'm referring to saying things I shouldn't have said to people I shouldn't have said them.
Right now, I get this. In fact, last night, right after the melt down was over, I got it. I prayed, I repented, I fell asleep in peace. But in the heat of the moment, I didn't get it, and now I'm stuck with the aftermath.
I hate that my autism has caused me, yet again, to hurt or anger the people who are most important to me. It's not fair. I completely lose control when I melt/panic, and I say and do stupid things. Leigh even reminded me last night as I was texting her, "Stop now before you say something you'll regret." What she didn't know was that it was too late.
I did everything right with that melt down. Chloe gave me verses of comfort in Isaiah. I prayed. I wrote. I held the kitty. I texted Leigh. And I prayed some more. And still, in between prayers, I managed to screw things up.
I'm starting to lose hope that I'll ever have full control over my words and actions when I melt. Even doing everything right, I made a huge mistake.
Now what? Now I honestly, humbly apologize. Now I promise to try harder next time. Now I hope and pray that the person I hurt can forgive me. I certainly don't deserve it, but I can hope.
And now, I remember this:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.