Sunday, April 18, 2010

Not today

Today, I could write about so many things.

I could write about my frustrations with my ability to communicate verbally. I always manage to come off sounding rude when I don't mean anything rude at all. I think it's because I'm so focused on getting any words out at all that I tend to leave off the niceties. I just stick to the main point of what I need to get out. It's not a matter of being polite; I try very hard to always be polite, as I believe strongly in politeness. It's just a matter of not speaking well. But I can't write about that today; I don't have the best writing words, either, it so happens.

I could write more about the repeat game. I caught myself texting Leigh a repeat today, right after it said "sent." I wanted to melt down in the grocery store. I was just... just trying to deal with the grocery store, and the people all around me, and I was repeating to Mom (stinky stinky stinky, Hefty Hefty Hefty!), and it slipped. I felt like an idiot, even around Leigh. Sometimes my repeating means something. I quote VeggieTales when I'm anxious or scared (So are you scared? No, not really. Are you frightened? Not a bit.). I'm trying to tell myself not to be scared. "Live deliciously," from a commercial, means that I ate something good and enjoyed it. Today, my ice cream got a live deliciously. But I can't go into that today; I'm too frustrated about.

I could write about how I took Mom to meet Baby Corn today, and how we had the most wonderful time. Baby Corn was shy around her and neglected to show her how he nuzzles my face with his cute little nose. He buried his head in Mom's arm. And how I got covered in cat hair and don't want to change my clothes because it's Baby Corn and he's on me and I miss him. And how tomorrow I will call Jackie, the lady who works in the office at my new apartment, and ask her if there's any way to have 2 cats. Any way at all. But I can't write about that today, because I'm too excited and it's too good.

I could write about how anxious I am because Mom went to the train station to pick up my aunt and my cousin and another lady and her daugther, because my aunt and cousin were in Manhattan this weekend with the Girl Scouts, and Mom had to leave me at home,. I'm nervous and anxious. I really wanted to go with her, but there wasn't enough room in the car. It makes me so uncomfortable to be home alone with my stepdad. But not today, you see; I'm too upset.

I could write about how frustrating it is when people tell me to make friends. My mentor at church, who I absolutely love, said, "Can't you make some new friends out at your new house?" I had to explain that, though always possible, it was highly unlikely that I would make any friends. I'm terrible at it. I can only make friends when someone helps me along. For example, Mom introduced me to her friend C this weekend. C has a big, comfy house and a very shy cat named Etta. C and her husband, M, have 4 children who all have gotten married or otherwise moved away. I loved being in their house, even though Etta hid. With Mom's help, they could be my friends, but I can't meet people on my own and do it, and I have an especially hard time with people my own age. But that's depressing, so I don't want to write about that today.

I could write about my sister's wedding that is next weekend. Yep, Emily is getting married. I love my sister, and I love her fiance Matt, but I don't think I love weddings. Of course I was meant to be in the wedding, but I'm too shy and don't want to be fussed over and don't want to wear that dress, and my sister was oh-so-kind and left it up to me what I wanted to do for the wedding. I chose to do a reading from Jane Eyre (which I only understood parts of, but was determined to read and loved what I did understand). So that's next weekend. But I can't write about that today, because I'm very nervous.

There are so many things I could write about. So much new is going on in my life. But sorry, just not today.


  1. Funny, Jess had a post called "Not Today " too did you get it from her? :)
    For a post entitled not today you sure wrote a lot :) Hope all that stuff works out for you.

  2. Oops. I didn't mean to copy! It just happened accidentally. Maybe it's the repeat game acting up.

  3. Well maybe the internet helped but you did a good job of making friends with me! :D

    While that's a lot of "can't because" you are doing a lot and there's a lot going on so pause, take a breath and be you.

  4. thank you for writing this, i have a son he is 9 he is severely autistic, i wish i could help him more but i would need to know more of how he feels and he cant do that because he doesn't have the words,i loved the part where you talked about baby corn and such a brilliant name! its reading stuff like that , that helps me with my son a little bit, i have three dogs and i wasn't sure how he felt about them, though i know he loves our chihuahua i wasn't sure about the others, thank you for helping me understand that, i look forward to reading more of your writing and i really hope you achieve all your goals and have a wonderful time doing it