Coming down skillfully

So, third time in two weeks: I forgot my morning meds.

Someone just slap me, would you? This is just... not okay. I can't keep doing this.

As one would expect, the morning started off alright. I mean, the bus took 2 hours to get me to partial almost, but that's not that unusual.

As the day progressed, I could literally feel the anxiety under my skin. I was itchy and crawly and antsy. Finally around 2pm, the nurse (who was leading group) said, "Lydia, did you take your meds today?"

Oh, shoot.

I was like, okay, I'm still alright, and I can take them as soon as I get home.

But then... well, then, the bus didn't show up after a half hour. So I called. They told me he was 5 minutes way. Another half hour later (all of this time spent outside in the rain and cold), he still wasn't there.

He finally pulled up. "You're gonna have to squeeze on." What? I look over. He put a man in a wheelchair in the front of the bus, blocking the rest of the seats. I had no way to get on the bus but to squeeze past the gentleman in the chair. The man's arms were all bandaged, and while I highly, highly doubted I was going to fit through the 4 or 5-inch space, I knew that I wasn't going to try, as the one side of the space was created by the man's elbows. I could have easily hurt him, and I was not going to.

"Either get on, or get off and wait for another bus. Those are your options."

"I'm sorry, but there's no way I can fit through that space."

"I fit."

"That's great, but I know I can't. Nevermind. I'll get another ride."

So he sits and stares at me for 5 minutes while I call my mom, bawling. In retrospect and after Mom brought it to my attention, I should have told the driver that he needed to reposition the man in the chair in the back of the bus (like they did this morning). Or move the chair so I could get on, then put it back. But I didn't think of any of that. I was miserable due to the lack of meds, and I'd been outside for over an hour, and I had to be home for a 5:30 BSS meeting.

While I waited for Mom, I melted, and went in and found my therapist who helped me to calm down and think a little and push my BSS time back a little bit.

In the end, Mom saved the day and came and got me and brought me home. She will be on the phones tomorrow regarding the ignorant driver.

I came home and did Operation Calm Down. I held Elsie, played laser light and made her dizzy, put on Food Network, lit my lavander candle, and inhaled 3 bottles of Glucerna for dinner. Oh, and I took my meds, plus a couple of klonopin for immediate effect.

I know most people would see the meltdown and think of how I need to improve, but honestly, I'm surprised with how well I handled the situation. Well, except when I whacked Mom for trying to touch me... but that was out of my control. But seriously, I found my therapist, and there was no self injury, and I was breathing deeply the whole time. ...better?