Friday, September 10, 2010

Here we are, falling behind

The older I get, the more I fall behind, and I don't like it one bit.

Now that I'm in my early 20s, my friends are going through bigger changes than ever before. Many are getting married. Some are starting families. Some are moving far away from home.

I can't help but feel left in the dust. I'm living in my own apartment, yes, but I'm only ten minutes from my mom and I see her 3-5 times a week. I couldn't do it without her.

My biggest fear is Leigh getting married. I know what happens when people get married: they don't need friends anymore. You can't get them by themselves; you always get the spouse too. I just know she'll forget about me (yes, Leigh, I hear your voice saying, "I'm not a jerk, don't treat me like one"). And this moving across the country to be near a certain boy sounds might fishy to me... like it's on the road to marriage. My biggest fear is underway.

Part of it is the fear of losing her, and part of it is a twinge of jealousy that it's not me. Don't you know what I was supposed to be a surgeon and live in the South? That was my childhood dream. Autism has ruined that dream, confining me to stay near Mom and work part time at a low-paying job, likely for the rest of my life. Part of me is happy to be doing as well I am (er, was...), but part of me remembers what I'll never be and wants that. Part of me wants independence, money, a husband...

Oh, husbands. I keep praying that I'll find one. The truth is that the idea of being married (and dare I say it? sex) appalls me and I want none of it. But it seems to me that the only way not to be lonely in life is to have a husband. Friends come and go, parents pass away, but husbands are forever. I need someone who will love me for life. Who I know won't turn away. I know, I know, Jesus does that, but I mean someone on this earth. You can't deny that everyone wants that. That's part of why people get married, isn't it? That's why I want to get married. If I knew Mom or a friend would be there forever (realizing that God could really take anyone away at any time, but you know what I mean) then I wouldn't want a husband. But it's not so.

But what husband would want to marry (or even date) a girl like me? I can't imagine one that would. And is it really fair for me to marry someone? I mean, I pretty much don't like boys. I got nervous around a boy in 8th grade and couldn't speak... was that liking a boy? If so, that's the only time I've ever liked one. Never since. It doesn't sound fair to marry someone you don't like. That's not to say I couldn't love someone, just that there is absolutely no sexual attraction.

Sorry for the deep thinking and lack of answers today. But, this is where my head is, and you agreed to come on this journey with me, wherever it took us, right? So this is where we are right now, quickly falling behind, worrying, and confused.

Sounds like I need a cat-shaped band-aid. Don't worry, she's right here.

Edited, not to change, but to add: About that "friends are temporary" thing... a certain friend (just, be obtuse for me, and pretend you don't know who I mean, k?) assured me that she is not temporary, or at least has no intentions of being such. Given that, maybe I can forget about the husband thing. Yuck. Never sat right with me anyway.


  1. Sounds like you need, like the rest of us, a companion. Someone to do stuff with, to share your life with, to love and be loved by. You need a human Elsie P.

  2. When I met my husband he was 30 and had never been in a relationship, physically realised or otherwise. He had wanted to wait until he met some-one who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

    I think, for some people, sexual attraction only happens when there is some-one to be attracted to. I am like that and I think it is just one of many normal ways to be a sexual person.

    Some friends do last forever. My best friend is still hanging around me after more that 20 years. I am married with 3 children, she is single with no children, Our lives could hardly be more different but we still speak, write and see each other often.