Saturday, July 18, 2009

Headed for a Meltdown

Antecedent(s): My parents were talking about... something I didn't understand... at dinner. When there was a pause, which I took to me "we are changing subjects," I brought up that I got a brand new swimsuit today that I really liked. My mom was with me, but I was telling my stepdad. They then went on with whatever they'd been talking about, completely ignoring that I'd spoken. This happens fairly often, and it really bothers me because I never understand why! I brought my dishes in (we'd been sitting outside) and decided to watch some tv. Well, the window are open, and there was noise outside. I can't follow the tv for squat when there are other noises. My stepdad then went to the basement and was making a lot of noise doing things with his motorcycle (not loud, but distant loud, if you know what I mean). The dog was barking. My mom was vaccuuming upstairs. The phone rang. Noise. Noise. NOISE!!!

I have a problem with scratching my hands/arms, from my elbows down. I scratch until I bleed, and then I scratch some more. It doesn't hurt one bit. I have scars, and I hate them. But in that moment, I'm either unaware that I'm doing it or so relieved that I don't care if it will scar. I know that it's far worse when I'm stressed. It was particularly bad for a while this winter, right after I had to drop out of student teaching, had to take D's on my transcript, etc. There were hundreds of conversations that went something like this: "Stop scratching." (That'd be Leigh.) Whine (that'd be me). It's so annoying to be told to stop. I've been doing it for many years with particularly bad points on and off, and very recently, I've realized that the real cause is the stress.

Anyway, as the noise built up, so did the itching. By the time the phone rang, I was scratching my hands to pieces, tears in my eyes, about to go over the edge. I texted someone from partial, M, someone who is really helpful with ideas, that I was about to lose it! She said, "breathe." I got out my Ipod even though I was in the house, popped an extra allergy pill to calm the itching (it DOES help, even though I tell my mom sometimes that nothing works), and considered taking a Klonopin if things didn't settle down. My mom came down and asked me what was wrong. I said the NOISE was driving me crazy, and couldwepleasegotoDee'stoseethedogsnow? Dee, a true angel in the form of a lady my mom's age who lives down the street, has 4 adopted dogs and an adopted snake, all of whom she loves dearly: her kids, she calls them. I told my mom that I wanted the dogs, please. Well, Mom called Dee, who was away this evening. Okay. The F word, right, Jess? Flexible. Ipod back on. I got Truby, our dog, and plopped her on my lap.

And here I sit... still trying to calm down and wait it out...

PS- Truby was happy to be held, too, since she was less than thrilled with the commotion. Sorry if I look a bit frazzled. I was. I am.


  1. Just popping over to say that I'm still reading and glad that you are still writing.

    You don't look frazzled by the way - just snuggly with a dog. :)

    Good job on being flexible. What kind of music is on your iPod by the way?

  2. Almost all Christian worship music :)

  3. Well, that is frustrating! I agree