Christmas from the hospital

It's a different sort of Christmas this year. There will still be presents, and my mom, but other than that, not much is the same. Unfortunatley, I'll be celebrating one of my favorite days of the year (up there with Easter and my birthday) from the hospital.

I don't know how I ended up here. It came literally out of the blue, and I felt horrible. You see, I missed a dose of my meds on Sunday morning. I take my meds morning and night. By Monday night, when my stepdad lost it and yelled at me, I couldn't hold it together anymore. I'd been either sleeping or crying for two full days at that point, and I was terrified because I didn't feel safe at home anymore. I knew I wasn't. I texted my therapist, and she told me to get to the ER. My mom took me, and they admitted me. Even now, I don't know where the horrible feelings came from. They're not gone yet, though.

One major point of contention that I have with autism is that it doesn't allow me to express myself well. I try to talk to these doctors and therapists here, and all I can give is one word answers that aren't very descriptive. "How do you feel today?" "The same. Bad." "Depressed?" "I don't know." "Sad?" "I don't know." "Anxious?" "I don't know." It makes it very hard to get the appropriate treatment when everyone has to guess what's going on inside my head. I wish I had something more profound to say on the subject, but I don't. It's just a tough situation that I wish weren't so.

From here, I'll go back to the partial program that I was in this summer. I'll probably be there for about a month. Now, here's some big news. From there, I'm not planning on going back to a job of any sort. The job hunt is called off. My mom and I totally agree that I'm not stable enough to try to work right now, that it would be unfair both to me and to an employer to expect that of me. So, I'm going to go to partial and do my autism research study and volunteer at the library. I'd also like to volunteer at the animal shelter with the cats. They have two big cat rooms that are set up like a bedroom and a kitchen, with 12 cats in each room. The cats look so happy. They need volunteers to hang out with and socialize the cats; I think I'd be perfect for that. It's just a little bit far away (30 minutes), so my mom would have to be okay with paying for the gas to get there.

Part of not working means applying for governmental cash assistance, otherwise known as welfare. I feel awfully stupid about that. I'm a capable young women; I should be able to work. But the fact is that right now, I can't. I can't deal with shoulds and woulds and what ifs. I have to deal with the facts. Leigh says that it's just a rough patch, that I'll be able to work again. The doctor here says that welfare gets a bad rap but that really, this is why it exists, for people and situations like me right now. It will be 18 months, at least, until they hear my case for SSI, so I can't wait for that. I guess I'll just have to go with the flow.

I should be coming home Monday. I'm still feeling pretty bad. I did have a little bit of a turning point when Leigh came to visit yesterday on her way from college to home, 5 hours away. It gave me a little energy that I hadn't had before. Still, I'm not sure if I'll be ready to leave on Monday or not. Time will tell.

Hope you're all still with me, since I've been gone. Don't worry. I'll be back.