Usually, when I sit down to write, I have things written out in my head and I simply turn them into type for all of you to read. At the very least, I have a mental outline.
Not this time. There's nothing up there. I don't know where this post is going...
Here's what I'm thinking: I have different worlds. You all belong to my autism world. That's probably my biggest world, because autism and Lydia are inextricably entwined with one another. You can't say, "Oh, that autism," or "Oh, that's Lydia." I am it, and it is me.
But at the same time, there's more to me than autism. There's more to me than Lydia. There's this pesky, leaching, deadly thing... and while I'm not sure this is the right thing to do or the right time to do it, I'm going to tear down the wall. I have an eating disorder. I've had it for 10 years in March. A lot of physical damage can be done in 10 years.
The surviving-on-500-calories-a-day thing really isn't so bad, in itself. But when you add 10 miles of running or skipping the majority of the insulin I'm supposed to take, things get rough. You'll never hear me say this twice, but I feel horrible.
So, after losing 20 pounds in 3 weeks (that, this time, I could actually afford to lose... other times I haven't been so lucky), my therapist wants me to head to the ER sometime this week. Everyday I go without insulin is another step toward kidney failure, blood toxicity, heart attacks, blindness, you get the idea.
Before you make a snap judgment and say, "Just do it! It's not that hard!" I ask you this: would you say that to me if I were plugging my ears at the movie theater? If I were crying in a crowded, noisy room? If I snapped when someone tried to hug me? No, you wouldn't. But many people who don't understand autism would, and do, and have to me. So, just because you may not understand EDs, it doesn't make the struggle any less real.
If you don't hear from me for a while, it's because I'm at the hospital. If something big happens, I'll have Leigh update you (er, I haven't exactly asked her if she would, but...hehe).
If you want to help me get better, please send cat pictures to email@example.com. They go a looong way.
I think I should rename my blog to Lydia Speaks, because that's what is is from now on. It's all of me. I hope that's okay.