The truth about my 10 truths is this: I don't believe them. I write them because somewhere in myself, I know that they're true, they're just all but impossible to live out.
Do you want to know the truth about what I believe, or what I live like I believe? Here we go.
1. Autism is a leech. It steals my personality and my humanity.
2. Who I am needs to be changed from the inside out.
3. Autism? It sucks.
4. I will never be accepted as beautiful in this world, and I should stop trying.
5. My value is in my looks and my success at seeming non-autistic.
6. God is distant.
7. People may love me despite my autism, but they will never love me because of it.
8. Sometimes I need help. I need more help than the average person to get through the day. That's not okay. I need to be like everyone else.
9. I can't make a difference in this world when I'm not working. All the matters is whether I'm making money.
10. I shouldn't need support to reach my goals; I should reach them on my own, like everyone else.
As you can see, my positivity is a bit of a farce. Sure, I get flashes of it, but they're gone as quickly as they hit and I'm back to being negative. I'm trying to be positive, though. I thought I would write out what I want to believe, and that maybe that would make it more real for me. I wasn't going to explain the reasoning behind writing my list, but then it would be a little like lying. You would believe that I really felt that way all the time. When I set out to write this blog, I decided that I would be completely honest with Blog World, because my goal is to explain what it is like to live with autism. The truth is that it's not all fun, and sometimes, I want it to go away.