Monday, November 23, 2009

Ugh. Again.

The anxiety monster is coming out again. I know, I know-- again.

Here's the problem. I'm having surgery on my cyst in a few weeks. (In case you want the update, here it is: It's being slow to heal, so I'm back on antibiotics for another week. I go back to the surgeon for another check in 2 weeks and to schedule surgery.) I'm worried about the pain after the surgery. I'm also worried because I was originally supposed to transition from my photo lab job to new job right away. Well, it turned out that the manager didn't have work for me until the beginning of the December. Now, with the surgery, I have to wait until after Christmas to work again. I'm worried about the money. I'm losing my health insurance as of December, and Medical Assistance hasn't picked me up yet. I'm worried about needing surgery and not having health insurance. There's a lot to worry about.

Every time I worry about one thing, the fact that Leigh is going to Mexico next year hooks onto that and I worry about that. I worry about that a lot. We'll have email a few times a week, but it'll be different. We won't have texting, which I've gotten so used to, and I won't see her very much. I just don't like her being away. I even get weird when she's home instead of at school. I just really don't like change. Although, I need to share Leigh with all the Mexican orphans who need her too. I know that. I think I need to talk to my therapist about it, though, because it's starting to get to be a lot anxiety to deal with. I'm starting to randomly cry a lot, which isn't like me at all.

The good news is that, factually, things are actually in a pretty good situation for when Leigh leaves. I realized that I needed to make some other friends, so I started working on that over the summer. Unfortunately, I'm not the greatest friend maker, and I needed a little help. Leigh talked to two girls that she's friends with and I knew but not extremely well but wouldn't mind getting to know better. She asked if they might consider intentionally getting closer to me in the next months before she leaves. They could spend some time with the two of us and learn a little bit about how I work, what works, what doesn't... some of the things Leigh has learned on her own. So, in the past few months, I've talked to Megan and Heather more. Megan is great at e-mailing with me and always, always remembers that a cat will solve almost anything. She's Leigh's suitemate, so I see her frequently enough when I go up there. I'm really comfortable around her. Heather has always let me just be myself and been more than okay with that, and she's great about texting and helping me hang in there through anxious times. Nobody will ever be Leigh (we wouldn't want another Leigh walking around here anyway...), but it's good to have other friends and be comfortable with them.

So, like I said, things are looking good, objectively. It's just somewhere in my mind that I'm still all in a panic about it. I'm going to go find my cat.

1 comment:

  1. Whilst all this anxiety is not a happy place to be, don't loose sight of the fact it is also very normal to be anxious about loosing close contact with your best friend. You are allowed to be upset you know!

    From what I read here I think you're doing really well. You have new friends through Leigh, you have new friends with your group, you have Justin and when the chips are really down you have Elsie.

    Sorry to hear about the prospect of surgery (scary at the best of times!)but at least it should solve the problem.