Friday, June 5, 2009

What's the word???

There's this... thing... that is ruling my life. I can remember it back to being two years old, and although it has been better at times, it has always been there. I'm not trying to be deceptive here. I really don't know what that thing is.

Frustration, maybe? Anxiety? Um... anger? I don't know. I can't figure out what causes it most of the time... sometimes, being bumped unexpectedly, or someone else being in the kitchen while I am trying to do things can set it off. Other times, it seems to come out of nowhere. It makes me cry, or yell, or want to scream. Sometimes, I even feel violent, usually toward myself. WHY?

I know what makes it better: medication, animals, or to an extent, my weighted blanket. I prefer the animals route, but at times I resort to the medication (a fast-acting, low dose sedative). But what is it?! How can anyone help, if I can't tell them what it is or even what it feels like? It does change my behavior, I think, so my mom may be able to tell when I feel that way... but she doesn't seem to pick that up very well. If I can't tell them what causes it or what it is, how can anyone make it go away?

I think that "frustrated" is the word for how I feel about the situation. I'm wondering, though, if autism is the reason that I can explain it. Beyond "I feel bad," I'm stuck. Recent changes in my medications make me think that the increase it IT could be related, but who knows. Certainly, not I. I'm so close to just begging the psychiatrist to FIX IT!! She is an autism specialist, shouldn't she know what IT is?!

Sigh. In the meantime, where's my kitty?

1 comment:

  1. Aw Lydia, I can so empathize just from watching my son (14) and trying to figure it out for him as well. We just bought a trampoline which is a solace for him and the only other thing i've tried that's not on your list is prayer and worship. Sometimes, just the name of Jesus going up keeps IT at bay. For He inhabits the praises of his people so when we praise Him, He is here and that makes everything a little better for a time. Bless you again for articulating what my son cannot. It so confirms my gut instincts--even though there are no hard and fast solutions. IT is real.